My week if self love 💛

This week I shared my thoughts (and photos) regarding self love on my insta page @kayleighann88.

Do you love yourself more when you look good?

I have said before that I like to dress up when I’m feeling down as it gives me a boost. I’ve discovered that many other people do the same. It is important to note though, that although it gives me a boost, I know my worth whether I am dressed up or down.

There’s nothing wrong with looking gorgeous but don’t let this determine your worth. You are worthy and you are more than the clothes you wear and the make up put on!

Exploring negative automatic thoughts…

I illustrated this by indulging in my favourite past time. LINGERIE PHOTOS!

Here I wrote my caption ‘Devil on your shoulder’ This is how I treat my negative thoughts. I explored coping mechanisms this week, opening up the question to my Twitter and instagram friends.

Some said they use distraction techniques they have developed. Some just let the feeling pass over them and remind themselves that they are safe and the thought will pass. I personally tell the thoughts to ‘go away’. I explained this to a friend this week and told her that it sounds mad but it works and for me it does! The big things I put aside time to deal with but the little ones, the embarrassing memories, the mistakes you’ve made years before they can do one!

Let’s play a game…

This week I came up with a game. It’s actually something I use to get myself to sleep. It started off as and A-Z of boys names, girls names, countries but I do it that often I got bored, so one night I decided to use random words. As I started reeling them off I realised the words were really positive! Amazing, brilliant, compassionate. I realised these were the words I used most which is why I came up with them when presented with the letter. Try it? See how positive your alphabet is and see if you can get more positivity in there.

Every body is a two piece body…

My order finally arrived! It took a month because I live on a bloody building site and no one can get in, no online groceries, no takeaways it’s ridiculous! Anyway…

I ordered this for my holiday in November and I’m really pleased with it, I’m thinking of getting a few more. I explained on insta this week that I would never have worn something like this on holiday in the past. I haven’t been abroad for years and last time I went I stayed well covered and didn’t have a very good time. But I can’t wait for this one! Look out Tenerife, I’m gonna bombard you with belly haha!! I’m also yet to break the news to my mother that she will be my on location photographer! Shhhh…

Appearances are deceptive…

I posted this photo as a visual of what I mean. On the surface I may look to others to be vain and really into my looks, but I’m not. I’m actually quite modest. I have photos of myself…because I’m building a portfolio for my modelling. I look in the mirror all the time…because I’m constantly working to accept what I see. Everyone judges…absolutely EVERYONE but try to get to know the person before you vocalise your judgement.

That’s all folks…

So, that was my self love week. This week I’ll be expressing myself through the slogans on my clothing! Get a sneak peak by following my Instagram. See you next week!

K xxx

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Fashionista or fashion faux pas?

This week my insta @kayleighann88 was all about plus size fashion.

Looking at restyling, shopping as a plus size and then ending the week with my audition for Modelling competition – Ms Curvaceous!

‘Plus size doesn’t mean less than’

Yes! I came up with that quote all by myself and scoured the internet to make sure it didn’t belong to anyone else.

It was a play on words and mathematical symbols to create a motivational Monday post for my plus size posse so that they could multiply their confidence and worth to equal self love (that’s it with the maths references haha!)

Jacket from Boohoo

Restyling!

God bless my insta buddy Alison @champagneandcurves – she is gonna save me so much money!

This week, with inspiration from Alison I restyled my (now famous) Beetlejuice jacket!

Using different hairstyles, make up and accessories I created four new looks!

On advice from another insta friend I added a splash of colour with a red skirt and this was the outfit I rocked for my Ms Curvaceous audition.

Dress from Yours clothing

Shopping as a ‘Plus size’

This topic got the most engagement, by far, on my insta this week.

It was so good to get feedback from other plus size ladies. I’m a size 20-22 and I have an hourglass figure so I acknowledge my privilege in relation to other more marginalised bodies.

Most the ladies I discussed the topic with choose to shop online. The main reasons for this were-

1. SIZES SIZES SIZES

The average store on the high street doesn’t often go above a size 20 so for my ladies with the extra booty there is no option but to go online.

2. OPTIONS

If you do find a store that stocks your size they are few and far between. Basically if you don’t have a Simply be, Yours or Evans in your local shopping centre…you’re knackered!

3. ENJOYMENT

It’s a pain, it’s frustrating and sometimes embarrassing. My @the88andfriends partner @Mrsdanicrater HATES shopping, it can turn what is a girly day out into a night of self loathing and upset.

The main message I got from my girls was that you have to be patient and plan ahead. It takes patience to trawl through online sites (even if you do have tea and biscuits). It’s also difficult to pull an outfit together spontaneously as it is difficult to walk into a shop and pick something up.

I remember my colleagues springing a children in need dress up on me, the day before the event a couple of years ago. The object was to wear yellow and with mustard not being the fashionable colour it has become, this was difficult. I couldn’t find one in my size (and I was smaller then) and ended up borrowing one instead. This was a small inconvenience but has given me some insight into what other plus size ladies go through every day!

Sizing can make or break your day

Although I’m a lot better with body image than I used to be a dress size can still affect my mood.

Whilst I was out this week I had to go down two dress sizes to get a dress to fit as I wanted it to. I felt happy and then very guilty. But I shouldn’t have felt guilty. I haven’t demolished my values and I didn’t starve myself to get there it was just natural fluctuation. However if all stores had a universal size chart there would be less of this. As much as a size can make your day it can also ruin it.

Ms Curvaceous

On Saturday I went to the Ms Curvaceous auditions in Parr’s wood.

I met some amazing ladies and came home with make up, fashion and modelling tips as well as a new level of confidence.

I cannot recommend it enough and I know no matter what comes of this for me, I will be forever grateful for the experience.

Next week

This week on insta I’ll be focusing on self love, the many ways you can practice it and what it means to people.

See you back here next Sunday?

If the dress fits…

My birthday is coming up and so is my two year body positive anniversary (Is that a thing?)

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I bought myself the book ‘Body positive power’ for my 29th birthday.

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That Halloween I dressed as a broken doll in a lovely, 50’s style, flared dress.

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Last week I tried that dress on for the photoshoot myself and Dani did…it still fits!

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I’ve stayed roughly the same size for two years. This may make make me ‘Morbidly obese’ on the BMI scale but I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.

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Over the past two years I’ve not obsessively dieted or binged enough to make myself sick and I’m really proud of myself.

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People may think my photos are ‘glorifying obesity’ but I hope they learn to see that health comes in all shapes and sizes, as does beauty and happiness.

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A few things have helped me on my way:- Health at every size (HAES) Intuitive Eating and too many Instagram account to name all of them!

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Have a great week, K xxx

Fat shamed by my Uber driver…

I went on the app to get a ride to the hospital, with a lot of things already on my mind, the last thing I needed was a self professed health expert diagnosing the reason for my collapse…

So the Uber driver sees that I am a fat person (this is all he knows about me so far).

First diagnosis –

“You need to watch what you eat, eating junk and processed food isn’t good for you”

Me: “I have a degree in Nutrition” (slight exaggeration but he didn’t need to know that).

Second diagnosis –

“You should get out and exercise more”

Me: *Pointing to local park* “That’s where I do my walking, or cycling depending on how I feel that day”

Him: “I walk for 2 hours every day”

Me: 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Arrive at destination…

Me: “I’ll just call my friend to see if she’s here” (I really want to get out of the car now)

Him: “A way to cope with stress…”

Me: “I know all about stress from battling an eating disorder for 15 years and I can’t diet and exercise away the fact that my boss was murdered on my birthday last year (which is coming up shortly) so I’d like to go and see my friend now”

*slams car door*

*Phone vibrates*

‘ Do you want to add a tip?’

Me: 😂😂😂😂😂

So, the moral of the story is, you can say absolutely anything to a judgemental, opinionated, ignorant prick and he probably still won’t realise he is a judgemental, opinionated ignorant prick…

When we were young…

My mind tends to race and no one knows how I’ve got to what I’m talking about haha! So let me explain..

Tonight I was doing karaoke at home (as you do) and one of the suggestions was Adele’s ‘When we were young’

I don’t know about you but I’m one of those ‘what’s the message?’ Listeners/music enthusiasts and this is emphasised when you’re also singing the words, so…

In the past my life has been movie worthy and ‘everybody here was watching’ me, not always for good reasons may I add!

I felt like I was singing to the ‘old me’ she left long ago (to go oversees possibly?) but I would like to catch her to ‘photograph her in this light’ if you will, to remember how far I’ve come.

She pops up uninvited most the time ‘nobody told me you’d be here’ but in a split second as I catch a glimpse I am envious of her, of the person I used to be, but…

It’s important to remember that I am her and she is me and I still look like a movie and sound like a song…
It’s just the movie is now from a different genre and the song is a remix of an old classic…

Which songs resonate with you?
Lots of love K xxx

Toxic people

Toxic people were prevalent in my past but the good thing that’s come from that is that I now find it easier to spot the signs…and get the hell away!!

Unfortunately toxic people don’t come with warning labels. They have no skull and crossbones stamped on them like a bottle of cyanide but that doesn’t mean they’re any less poisonous!

The signs…

Drama, drama, drama – there’s always something going on and if there isn’t they’ll bring it!

It’s all everybody else’s fault! They NEVER bring things on themselves, it’s always someone else’s fault, usually yours.

They’ll constantly remind you that they’re better than you.

A personal experience…

I had a ‘friend’ she would often take photos of us to point out how much prettier she was. She’d also point out the flaws in my relationships and how she was worthy of someone who really loved her…but I wasn’t because of my ‘lifestyle’. I wasn’t an Angel, I made mistakes but to say I didn’t deserve a nice guy was a bit harsh.

Anyhow, one day as I was keeping her daughter entertained and keeping an eye on her sleeping son (whilst she responded to several men on plenty of fish) and I realised that she wasn’t the good innocent girl she claimed to be, in the same way I wasn’t an actual devil woman.

The hardest thing about leaving the friendship was that I missed the kiddies.

I saw her not long ago and said hello, she ignored me…that says it all.

More recently…

At the moment I’m experiencing this with a certain person. I saw the signs a couple of weeks in and kept my distance, recently I’ve noticed the damage more and more with myself and others.

It came to a peak this week. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been sleeping, maybe I’d seen them turn on myself and others too many times or even more scarily maybe I was being triggered to remember my childhood.

I broke, I panicked, my brain was screaming at me, this is dangerous GET AWAY NOW!

I did get away, I thought it over and I received some excellent support. This is nowhere near over, but it will be.

If you have someone, be it, a colleague, a family member, friend, partner who you think might be toxic, consider this –

When you’ve spent time with them do you feel anxious, drained, sad, upset? Or any other negative feelings.

Get away, maybe not straight away but admit it to yourself and start to make a plan.

Stay safe and take care,

You are worthy

And less politely, you don’t need to put up with anyone else’s shit!

Lots of love,

K xxx

Becoming BoPo

Published Post 
08/01/2019, 19:41 pm

This next post is about how I got to where I am now and how I got more comfortable with my body.

Turning 30…

When I was 26 I wrote a letter to myself to open when I turned 30. When I opened it the first line of it said, something along the lines of by now you should be thin, I will only accept you not being thin if you’re pregnant, how messed up is that?

My first thought for goals to hit leading up to being 30 was to be thin!

Body Positive Power…

In 2017 I bought myself a very useful birthday present. Megan Jayne Crabbe’s Body posi power! This was only the beginning.

Intuitive Eating…

This is something I still struggle with now.I could still give you a calorie estimate onwhatever meal I’m eating, it’s like a built in calculator that I don’t want. However, I’ve become better than I used to be.

Plus size Fashion…

I’ve taken more selfies and fashion photos since I’ve become bigger. As well as giving myself permission to eat what I feel like eating, I’ve also given myself permission to wear what I feel like wearing. I’ve experimented with colour and style and I’m currently on the hunt for another wardrobe because I’ve outgrown my 3 door!

Lingerie Love…

Wearing nice underwear makes me feel amazing! I love the feel and the look and ithelps me to feel confident, even though only myself and insta folk see it. It helps that I am one of those privalliged hourglasscurvy fats and I count myself lucky for that every day.

More next week…

Lots of love – K xxx