Fat shamed by my Uber driver…

I went on the app to get a ride to the hospital, with a lot of things already on my mind, the last thing I needed was a self professed health expert diagnosing the reason for my collapse…

So the Uber driver sees that I am a fat person (this is all he knows about me so far).

First diagnosis –

“You need to watch what you eat, eating junk and processed food isn’t good for you”

Me: “I have a degree in Nutrition” (slight exaggeration but he didn’t need to know that).

Second diagnosis –

“You should get out and exercise more”

Me: *Pointing to local park* “That’s where I do my walking, or cycling depending on how I feel that day”

Him: “I walk for 2 hours every day”

Me: 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Arrive at destination…

Me: “I’ll just call my friend to see if she’s here” (I really want to get out of the car now)

Him: “A way to cope with stress…”

Me: “I know all about stress from battling an eating disorder for 15 years and I can’t diet and exercise away the fact that my boss was murdered on my birthday last year (which is coming up shortly) so I’d like to go and see my friend now”

*slams car door*

*Phone vibrates*

‘ Do you want to add a tip?’

Me: 😂😂😂😂😂

So, the moral of the story is, you can say absolutely anything to a judgemental, opinionated, ignorant prick and he probably still won’t realise he is a judgemental, opinionated ignorant prick…

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When we were young…

My mind tends to race and no one knows how I’ve got to what I’m talking about haha! So let me explain..

Tonight I was doing karaoke at home (as you do) and one of the suggestions was Adele’s ‘When we were young’

I don’t know about you but I’m one of those ‘what’s the message?’ Listeners/music enthusiasts and this is emphasised when you’re also singing the words, so…

In the past my life has been movie worthy and ‘everybody here was watching’ me, not always for good reasons may I add!

I felt like I was singing to the ‘old me’ she left long ago (to go oversees possibly?) but I would like to catch her to ‘photograph her in this light’ if you will, to remember how far I’ve come.

She pops up uninvited most the time ‘nobody told me you’d be here’ but in a split second as I catch a glimpse I am envious of her, of the person I used to be, but…

It’s important to remember that I am her and she is me and I still look like a movie and sound like a song…
It’s just the movie is now from a different genre and the song is a remix of an old classic…

Which songs resonate with you?
Lots of love K xxx

Toxic people

Toxic people were prevalent in my past but the good thing that’s come from that is that I now find it easier to spot the signs…and get the hell away!!

Unfortunately toxic people don’t come with warning labels. They have no skull and crossbones stamped on them like a bottle of cyanide but that doesn’t mean they’re any less poisonous!

The signs…

Drama, drama, drama – there’s always something going on and if there isn’t they’ll bring it!

It’s all everybody else’s fault! They NEVER bring things on themselves, it’s always someone else’s fault, usually yours.

They’ll constantly remind you that they’re better than you.

A personal experience…

I had a ‘friend’ she would often take photos of us to point out how much prettier she was. She’d also point out the flaws in my relationships and how she was worthy of someone who really loved her…but I wasn’t because of my ‘lifestyle’. I wasn’t an Angel, I made mistakes but to say I didn’t deserve a nice guy was a bit harsh.

Anyhow, one day as I was keeping her daughter entertained and keeping an eye on her sleeping son (whilst she responded to several men on plenty of fish) and I realised that she wasn’t the good innocent girl she claimed to be, in the same way I wasn’t an actual devil woman.

The hardest thing about leaving the friendship was that I missed the kiddies.

I saw her not long ago and said hello, she ignored me…that says it all.

More recently…

At the moment I’m experiencing this with a certain person. I saw the signs a couple of weeks in and kept my distance, recently I’ve noticed the damage more and more with myself and others.

It came to a peak this week. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been sleeping, maybe I’d seen them turn on myself and others too many times or even more scarily maybe I was being triggered to remember my childhood.

I broke, I panicked, my brain was screaming at me, this is dangerous GET AWAY NOW!

I did get away, I thought it over and I received some excellent support. This is nowhere near over, but it will be.

If you have someone, be it, a colleague, a family member, friend, partner who you think might be toxic, consider this –

When you’ve spent time with them do you feel anxious, drained, sad, upset? Or any other negative feelings.

Get away, maybe not straight away but admit it to yourself and start to make a plan.

Stay safe and take care,

You are worthy

And less politely, you don’t need to put up with anyone else’s shit!

Lots of love,

K xxx

Becoming BoPo

Published Post 
08/01/2019, 19:41 pm

This next post is about how I got to where I am now and how I got more comfortable with my body.

Turning 30…

When I was 26 I wrote a letter to myself to open when I turned 30. When I opened it the first line of it said, something along the lines of by now you should be thin, I will only accept you not being thin if you’re pregnant, how messed up is that?

My first thought for goals to hit leading up to being 30 was to be thin!

Body Positive Power…

In 2017 I bought myself a very useful birthday present. Megan Jayne Crabbe’s Body posi power! This was only the beginning.

Intuitive Eating…

This is something I still struggle with now.I could still give you a calorie estimate onwhatever meal I’m eating, it’s like a built in calculator that I don’t want. However, I’ve become better than I used to be.

Plus size Fashion…

I’ve taken more selfies and fashion photos since I’ve become bigger. As well as giving myself permission to eat what I feel like eating, I’ve also given myself permission to wear what I feel like wearing. I’ve experimented with colour and style and I’m currently on the hunt for another wardrobe because I’ve outgrown my 3 door!

Lingerie Love…

Wearing nice underwear makes me feel amazing! I love the feel and the look and ithelps me to feel confident, even though only myself and insta folk see it. It helps that I am one of those privalliged hourglasscurvy fats and I count myself lucky for that every day.

More next week…

Lots of love – K xxx

What’s this all about?

Published Post 
07/24/2019, 14:55 pm

Hi,

I’m Kayleigh,

In today’s intro I’m going to tell you a little bit about me and a little bit about what to expect from this blog!

So, Firstly, I’ll quickly catch you up on the last 30 years in some fun bullet points:

• I came into the world to the sound of Erasures ‘A little respect’ (I have no cast iron proof of this of this but it was number one at the time, so it’s a high possibility.)

• I am the eldest of three children, making me stereotypically – Bossy, Ambitious and mature beyond my years. All of which are also true. The first of which my siblings and close friends can most definitely attest to.

• Although I have known since I was around 5 years old that I have anxiety, I was only diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) in October last year, when I was also given effective treatment, hence the ‘Sertraline’ part of my blog name. 

On to the blog…

I’ve chosen self love with it being such a broad subject. 

I’m going to be writing candidly about being sober, tackling anxiety on a daily basis and how I learnt to live my life now instead of waiting until I’d lost 5 stone.

These are subjects that come to mind and probably the ones closest to my heart but there is so much more I want to discuss and explore. 

I’m hoping as I start and continue my journey through this blog writing I’ll be able to help others, and learn things about myself too!

Get in touch?

If there’s anything you’d like to know or subjects you think I might be able to share some useful experience of, get in touch!

On Instagram I’m @kayleighann88

OR 

You can check out my joint project with @mrsdanicrater AKA ‘Theunseasonedwag’ at @the88andfriends

OR

Drop me an email at selfloveandsertraline@gmail.com 

Thanks for reading,

Speak soon,

Much love,

Kayleigh xxx

💛